A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied:
"They will in a minute."

Allah, introducing a newbie to heaven. "Oh, that tiny walled off section contains the christians.
They insist they are the only ones here."

There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a down pour of thunder and rain. These two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up.
They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.
All of a sudden an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger man screamed out, eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" Was this a ghost?!?!?!?
This old man kept knocking, so the driver said "well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So the other passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???" The old man softly replied, "Do you have any tobacco?"
The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!" "Well, offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies. So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.
Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start,laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"The driver says, "I don't know? How could that be? I am going pretty fast?"
Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again. "aaaaaaaaaaaaa there he is again!", the passenger yells.
"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks. The driver throws a lighter out the window at> him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"
They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking! "Oh my God! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear.
The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"


Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
-Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry.
I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"
-Mariah Carey

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
-David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.
It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-Al Gore, Vice President

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
-Former British foreign minister, Ernest Bevin.

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-Vice-president Al Gore

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another"
-George Bush, US President

"I have opinions of my own -strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them."
-George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
-Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-Keppel Enderbery

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
-Dan Quayle

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
-Dan Quayle VP

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
-Dan Quayle, VP

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state.
It is a state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states.
Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
-Dan Quayle, VP

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away.
May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-Department of Social Services, Greenville,

"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force.
We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
-Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed
and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.
And the next morning when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Some prayers are more meaningful than others:

Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have?

Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.

Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.

Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world.
There are only 4 people in our family and I can ever do it.

Dear GOD,
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?

Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

Dear GOD,
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries?

Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God?
I thought You had everything.

Dear GOD,
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"?
Because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother.

Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad!
He said Some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)

Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be a day of rest.
-Tom L.

Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before You can look it up.

Dear GOD,
If we come back as something - Please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.

Dear GOD,
If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set.

Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha! Ha!

Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.

Dear GOD,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.

Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
Ruth M.

Dear GOD,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.

Dear GOD,
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD,
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You.
That's what I would do.

Dear GOD,
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD.
Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already.

Dear GOD,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool.

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned Home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who Was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages of condolence from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 January 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."

                                                -  Prince Bernard  -